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Raising a child is like taking care of someone who’s on way too many shrooms, while you yourself are on a moderate amount of shrooms. I am not confident in my decisions, but I know you should not be eating a mousepad. Ron Funches (via lazybookreviews)
- Conversation 1: "Don't tell me you've never been to a sex toy party!"
- Conversation 2: "Are we going now?"
- Him: "That's because you're talking to a rational person."
- Me: "No, you just have a different set of issues."
- Him: "...thanks for that."
- Me: "And I have my issues. Put us all together and we span the full catalogue of National Geographic."
- Him: "We're not that bad."
- Me: "Don't make me pull down volumes to cite examples."
I had become a new person; and those who knew the old person laughed at me. The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor: he took my measure anew every time he saw me, whilst all the rest went in with their old measurements and expected them to fit me. George Bernard Shaw (via queerfatfemme)
- Toddler: [laying on me, playing with my earring] "Why you have flowers in your ears?"
- Me: [trying to watch TV, toddler makes better wall than window] "They're earings."
- Toddler: "They're flowers. Flowers grow in the ground!"
- Me: "These are earrings that just look like flowers."
- Toddler: "Why?"
- Me: "Am I wearing them? I think they're pretty."
- Toddler: [right in my face] "THEY'RE NOT PRETTY!!!"
- Me: [WTF?!] "... okay..."
- Toddler: [solemn toddler face] "They're awesome." [climbs across me to sit under a pillow]
- Me: "...thanks?"
- Toddler: [ignores me]
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